Lessons from illness

Lessons from illness

Many of us experience life with a high capacity for doing things for ourselves. We delight in helping others and not being a burden on them and protecting our self-esteem. We are largely autonomous and independent.

Me too!

A recent injury and the following surgery saw a swift transition in which all of the above were upended.

                   

The surgery was unexpected and swift. I went for an MRI expecting advice to continue with the physio on which I had embarked. I left with instructions to go straight to an ED. That itself was a reminder of the frailty of life and the contingency of any plans that we make.

Even before surgery the loss of self-directedness and independence was visible as the hospital constrained my movements. I who walked into hospital was not allowed out of bed without a wheelchair and companion.

Post-surgery my dependence was immediate and total. I needed others to shower and toilet me and could not arise from my bed, sit or walk without help. My vulnerability was there for all to see. Strangers came, looked, listened, probed and poked and took decisions for me. I was dependent and directed by others. Even toilet movements became a public topic.

Physical pain aside, psychological pain kicked in. I resented and fought against the descent to dependence. I fought to re-establish some degree of control wherever possible. I sought to contribute to others instead of being only and always served.

And then it struck me. My experience was an enacted parable of modern humanity and the gospel. I kick against losing independence and serving others in the spirit of autonomous humanity – people without God and who are the centre of their own world. Even as a Christian, the spirit of the age demonises me. The gospel is offensive because it starts with my incapacity for any self-help or self-direction. It humiliates my ego.

The old hymn tells where the gospel starts

Nothing in my hands I bring,
Simply to Thy cross I cling;
Naked, come to Thee for dress,
Helpless, look to Thee for grace:
Foul, I to the fountain fly,
Wash me, Saviour, or I die.

I am naked, helpless and empty handed. That does not sit well with C21 humanity.

But then look where the gospel goes:

Let the water and the blood,
From Thy riven side which flowed,
Be of sin the double cure,
Save me from its guilt and power

Autonomous humanity has an inbuilt barrier to accepting help from others. That’s sad for we humans who seem more made for interdependence than dependence. It’s tragic when it keeps us from accepting the help that brings eternal life.

Sometimes our ego needs to take a big hit to crack that autonomy. It might be illness or some other life event that reminds us of creaturely limitations and frailty. Whatever it takes, it is to be welcomed as being for our highest good.

Only then will we sing this prayer:

Rock of Ages, cleft for me,
Let me hide myself in Thee.