Just friends?

Just friends?

Many of us have many friendships but we may not think much about them or value them highly. Are we ‘just friends’?

The Christian Bible gives examples of friendships, such as that of David and Jonathon (1 Sam 18:3) and Jesus with Lazarus, Mary and Martha (eg, Jn 11:3). The Bible also speaks about friendship.

Just some of the many sayings are:

·      A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity. (Pvb 17:17)

·      … there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. (Pvb 18:24)

·      Wounds from a friend can be trusted, … (Prvb 27:6)

·      … the pleasantness of a friend springs from their heartfelt advice.  (Pvb 27:9)

·      As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another. (Pvb 27:17)

Discussion of friendship needs broader perspective.

God, in Trinity, embodies relationship in which the persons are distinct (eg, Jn 15:26) yet are one (eg, Jn 10:30). Its no surprise that, as creatures made in his likeness, we humans are made not to be alone (Gen 2:18). That latter text leads into a discussion of marriage which, is many ways, is the epitome of not being alone (Gen 2:18-25).

However, marriage is not for all, for many will be single by circumstances, calling or choice (eg, Matt 19:12; 1 Cor 7:32-38). Nor does marriage exhaust the possibilities of Gen 2:18 and our need of complementary companionship. In a day when (in the west, anyway) relationships seem in flux, are constructed in many different ways and when many people are never married or no longer married, there is a place to rediscover Christian friendship.

Friendship is not just a topic for singles. The primary human relationship of a married person is their spouse. There needs to be an iron gate around the marriage, for it is a private space that belongs to the partners alone. But is it a reasonable expectation that marriage meets all needs of its partners and excludes friendships? That may be too heavy a load for most marriage to bear. The happily married and their marriages can benefit from friendships by the partners, whether individually or together. And even those who do marry will spend much of their lives as singles, both before marriage and after marriage ends.

The bottom line is that none of us are made to be alone and friendship is one way of addressing that social need. We all need and gain from friends.

The verses quoted above give some picture of what a Biblically-shaped friendship looks like.

·      Christian friendship is close (Pvb 18:24)

·      Christian friendship is loving (Pvb 17:17)

·      Christian friendship is truthful, even when it hurts (Pvb 27:6&9)

·      Christian friendship builds both parties up (Pvb 27:17)

This is quite different to friendships shaped by fallen humanity which may be characterised by superficiality, double dealing, falsehoods and which may cover up misdeeds. Christ-shaped friendship brings truth and love together for mutual good and in ways that serve God and others.

Friendships are crafted one by one. Each has its own shape that may change with time and circumstances. Each will have its challenges and friendship can be damaging and even sinful (for they are made between fallen people).

Friendships cannot satisfy our longing for the divine and should not be idolised.  However, friendship is part of the way that God address a deep creational need for companionship and ultimately points to the friendship with God which is our deepest need and greatest satisfaction.

It’s never “just friends”.