The (undiscussed) other life

The (undiscussed) other life

Bob and his wife Marion served as Christian missionaries in East Malaysia for almost 30 years. (Not their real names, but this is otherwise a true story.)

When they first left their home country, many kept in touch, but this dropped off with time. That didn’t surprise them. They thought this would be rectified when they left for home assignment ready to tell all that the Lord had done. They were typically invited to speak at their supporting churches, given a five-minute slot in the service and invited to stay for conversation over morning tea. The big surprise was that not many people came to ask questions and the eyes of those asking typically glazed over with disinterest when Bob and Marion started to tell the details of God at work.

Over time Bob and Marion stopped talking about their life in East Malaysia. The learned that the way to hold a conversation was to shift talk to the life of the people back home. They lived their lives in two world that were kept apart.

Bob and Marion are not the only ones to discover habitual disinterest in life beyond the local setting.

Donald lived in a regional area but spent a few days weekly in another city for work and sometimes travelled further afield. His church friends were sorry that he missed weeknight small group meetings and sometimes commented on the burden of travel, but otherwise no one asked about what he did when he was away. Even his own family stopped asking and their eyes glazed over if he started giving details. He too learned to talk in brief generalisations about his ‘other life’ if anyone asked and to direct conversations to the lives of those he talked with.

Some of this is understandable. Perhaps it’s a case of ‘out of sight, out of mind’.  Perhaps those at home have unrecognised jealousy at what they imagine to be an exciting life elsewhere. Or perhaps they are just clueless about what it is to have a life lived in different parts in different places. Or perhaps it’s just that most of us habitually function with ourselves at the centre.

What can we do to help respond to this?

For starters, when we are talking with Bob, Marion and Donald, take a moment to enter into their world. They have this other life that is an important part of who they are. If we really want to engage with them and be an encouragement and help, we need to dig into that world. So, ask about it. And listen – actively. Maybe make a note somewhere afterwards so that in the next conversation you can link back to something they mentioned.

There are also things that Bob, Marion and Donald can do. Appreciate that the life you live outside is not on the radar of the one you speak to. So, ask about their life. And listen – actively. Maybe make a note somewhere afterwards so that in the next conversation you can link back to something they mentioned. And, if someone asks about your outside life, thank them for doing so. Answer briefly and let them lead the conversation on if they want more.

For all of us, there is scope to frame the way we approach conversation with anyone. Good conversations are mutual. Good conversations mean that we serve one another. So, when we start a chat and someone asks how we are, answer briefly then shift the conversation to them and their life. When that’s done, that’s the time to talk about our world.